And So It Ends and Begins.....

So tonight is my last night as a mother of one, household of three, and not being totally outnumbered by males. Our lovely son, Jude, will be joining us outside the womb tomorrow. I have been doing ok medically, but things where slowly getting more risky. My "numbers" where slowly increasing and we've held off as long as my doctor felt comfortable. Compared to giving birth the first time at 33wks, I feel very happy we are now a little over 38. Every week past 33 was nerve wracking for me. Was this going to be the week? Is Jude doing ok in there? Is my placenta going to abrupt any day now? While many of these fears consumed my thoughts I had to remain positive. I had to keep in mind that every week we hung in there the better for Jude. I also had to realize that we learned a whole lot with Aaron and where taking every precaution we could to ensure this pregnancy would remain healthy.

Honestly, this has been one hard road to travel down. So much of my life has changed since I peed on that stick and had no one around to tell but Aaron! My new "job" as mother and wife is very exciting to me. It has taken literally months to accept the fact that I will not be returning to the shelter and feel comfortable with that decision. There are days that I miss it and then there are days that I am so happy to be home with Aaron and getting ready for Jude. Part of me can't believe that tomorrow will be the end of the "house arrest" and the beginning of my new "normal" I've so desperately been wanting.

I am so very grateful to my family and friends. So many people have done so much for us. Even when I just lay around feeling like a miserable sack of pregnancy, no one made me feel bad or guilty even if that's how I felt inside. Having so much help has truly been amazing and even though times I felt like I had no control I was still appreciative. It's hard to give up control of your home and your child because you are physically unable to do things. But I admire the patience and understanding everyone had and most of all the encouragement. There where times when I emotionally lost it, but had so many people tell me it was going to be ok and this wouldn't last forever! Which was good. I did not need people to feel sorry for me (God knows I throw the best pity party for myself) but to keep me motivated and keep me focused on the big picture. This may seem like an emotional, personal blog but that's what I want to get across. As anyone who has kept up with this blog knows the ups and downs I have had during this pregnancy. But writing this blog has helped me cope with being on restriction since early September (has it been that long??).

I also want to take moment and give my husband proper credit. What I have put this poor man through. He has basically worked his butt off to support us including working at home and overtime, still making it to ALL but 3 appointments which is incredible since I've been going every week or two since I found out I was pregnant, cleaning the house, making meals, taking care of Aaron, taking care of me, as well as anything else that popped up and really did it all with a smile. I know for a fact that at times he probably wanted to throw me out the window but restrained himself. He has truly been an amazing husband and father even at times when I probably seemed less than grateful. His family and my family have been soo supportive. I also feel like during this pregnancy I've become a lot closer with members of our family. I've really enjoyed the quality time and all the love and support they have given us. But I am sure they are just as ready for Jude to come into this world just like us!

As this journey ends and a new one begins, I am overcome with different feelings and emotions. Yes, I know I'm a hormonal pregnant lady but this is my last night to be that way! I am very excited and of course, I am nervous for surgery. This is my second c section and that helps a little but surgery is surgery. I know it will be fine and am doing my best to calm my nerves and ease my anxieties. Adam and I have decided this will be our last child. Mostly due to the fact I really don't think my body wants me to do this again! So the idea of moving on past the "having children" part of our lives and focusing on raising our family is something we are anxious to get started.

For everyone who has stood by me during this time and have given me words of encouragement I am truly grateful. It really has helped. If it weren't for facebook and this blog I would feel so disconnected and this has kept the social part of me active. I've also gotten lots of advice, engaged in some great discussion, and learned a lot. I will be keeping this blog for a bit to keep everyone updated on the arrival of Jude and may need to share a few stories here and there. There will be no recipe today, especially since I haven't really cooked much, but I'll get back to it soon enough. I will end this blog here before I start getting to sentimental and procrastinate even more on things for tomorrow. I think I have my check list all done. I do need to feast on some food as they said I couldn't eat anything past 6am. That is going to be tough..... I fully plan on eating an entire box of oreo cookies before I go to bed. Don't judge me.

Till next time.......

33 Wks and other Thoughts....

So, I haven't written in a little while and not because I haven't had much to say. If you know me, you know I always have something to say, but I just didn't set aside the time to put my thoughts down. I don't want to write a blog just to throw anything down. For me, it has to feel right. Tonight it feels like a good time.

First, I will update my pregnancy. Jude is cookin' away. He is already 5lbs and doing very well. I had an appointment with my Periontolgist at the West Allis Woman's Pavillion. His name is Dr. Mastrolia and I highly recommend him. We went over all my tests and charts and discussed our plan. So far so good! My blood pressure has been remarkably low this pregnancy. I have Chronic Hypertension and have for a few years. I have taken meds, lost weight, changed my diet, and have been tested for a whole array of diseases. The conclusion is genetics. As my primary physician put it, "You got the shallow end of the gene pool". I'm not kidding. He actually said that. So, I just have to be more careful than most other women my age. As long as everything maintains how it has been I should make it to our goal of 39wks and have a scheduled c section. I really want to get past 35 as I do not want to have my baby in the NICU again. I don't think I could bare it. My blood disorder is under control and I continue to get daily shots in my stomach to thin my blood and prevent another placental abruption. Honestly, that's what I am most afraid of happening. It was so frightening with Aaron and I don't want to go through it with Jude. So, so far all is well and we are happy to continue to take it day by day.

Another issue that has come up that I wanted to discuss is my choice to not have any more children. This is not because I don't want more children, I always thought I would have three, but because I think it's the best decision for many reasons. I plan on getting my tubes tied when I have Jude. Originally we had talked about Adam going in to get snipped but at one of my OB visits she said it would be easier to do it to me during the csection. Adam really dodged the bullet there. It was not an easy decision to make. The finality of never being able to have a baby for the rest of my life is overwhelming. To think that the chapter of my life where I have kids is over is hard to accept. But I have my reasons. Mainly, my health. I am extremely lucky that I have Aaron and even more that I got pregnant with Jude. We tried for a year for Aaron and finally had to try fertility to get pregnant. One round of Clomid and bam I was pregnant with Aaron. Since he was so difficult we didn't think we would get pregnant again so soon. I was still nursing Aaron and discovered I was pregnant again. This time it happened naturally and we where just so happy that we didn't care it wasn't planned. For us, getting pregnant was half the battle. The actual pregnancy didn't really seem like an issue at the time. Well, we where wrong. All women are different. I envy women who are pregnant and go about their daily lives and have no issues. But I try not to have a pity party because I know many women would be thrilled to be pregnant even if it meant all nine months on bed rest. That's the main reason we've decided this is our last. With the difficulties we had with Aaron and now with Jude, I just can't risk it again. This pregnancy has been especially hard and I'm not just talking about the physical parts. Emotionally it's been very difficult. My whole life has been forced into a new direction. I have had to become dependent on friends and family in ways that I wish I hadn't. People might think how great it would be to have someone come over everyday to clean your house, take care of your kid, and help you out in any way. And yes it is great and I am very grateful but it's also an ego check. As a wife and a mom you want to be able to take charge of your family and your home. When you have to share that it is humbling and difficult. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Everyone is just trying to help. And I need to be accepting as it is in the best interest for Jude, Aaron, and myself and my health. But still. I lost my job, my independence, my strength, and many things that make me who I am. I have had to redefine my role and my life. Now, I don't want to come off as "oh, woe is me, poor me". I am simply being honest about how this has affected me emotionally. Some days I feel great both physically and emotionally and other days not so much. And yes I know this is almost over, it's temporary, it'll be worth it in the end, and all of that. I am very self aware of all of this and I know how much of this sounds too. But I'm not perfect and I feel it's important to include in a blog a piece of you that is not the picture of perfection you'd like people to see. I also feel that if other women go through something similar that it's normal to feel all kinds of emotions. Hormones don't help!

Well there you have it. A very real and honest take on what else goes on during a high risk pregnancy. It's not just about the doctor appointments and physical issues. But the array of emotions you feel. For me I always deal with guilt. I just have to counteract that with rational thoughts.I think for someone like me who has been employed everyday of my life since I was 14 the loss of a job is especially difficult. Not working has been incredibly hard and painful. I can't even visit because I have so many feelings about it. I don't want to get into it too much in this blog but there will be a future blog that visits this in much more detail. I think everything has to be redefined right now. My life, my work, my family, my house, my goals, my everything. It's overwhelming. However, I do realize that I do have an opportunity to head in a new direction. Not many people get that and I am very lucky to have the support that I do. I don't think I really like change. I don't think I'm very good at it. I'm a creature of habit and comfort. Most people probably are. Anyone that can pick up a new job, hobby, or move to a new place and try something different is amazing to me. I would love to challenge myself in that way. 

In the meantime I will continue to focus on my health and Jude's well being. I will continue to do everything my doctors are instructing me to do to keep this pregnancy on the right path. A very close friend said to me "There's a difference between being brave and being stupid. Don't be stupid". This is very true. I need to not push it either physically or emotionally no matter how much I want to prove myself. There will be a time for all of that again. This blog is a bit different than my others. Probably a bit deeper and maybe a little to much information but it is what it is. 

My recipe for this blog is my ultimate comfort food for days like this. The classic toasted peanut butter and banana sandwich with a twist. Are you ready for it??? Add honey!!! It's the best! My husband made my favorite sammy even better when he added honey.

1. Simply toast your favorite bread

2. Liberally add peanut butter, I prefer chunky

3. Slice a banana and add

4. Squeeze a liberal amount of honey 

5. Grab lots of wetnaps and a big glass of milk (I prefer soy) and enjoy.

It's amazing!!!!!!!!!!

31 wks...SAHM or Working Mom....

Here I am at 31wks in my pregnancy. I am thrilled to have made it this far as having Jude early is a real concern for me. My Periontologist, OB, and myself are aiming for 35 wks at least. Once I get there we will shoot for 39! I am very excited about this. Having Aaron at 33.5 was very scary. Actually when I was 31wks with Aaron is when I was admitted to the hospital and didn't leave for 3 wks and left with a baby! So it feels nice to be home and to have things running along smoothly so far.

I'm still on house arrest but I've gotten out a few times. I was able to go to my best friend's bachelorette party. Well at least the dinner portion. We went to an awesome Japanese restaurant downtown Milwaukee where I dined on smoked squid salad, pork belly, unagi, fatty tuna, and a tempura soft shell crab roll. Plenty of options for a pregnant women at a sushi place. Actually majority of the menu was cooked items. We then went to a champagne lounge where we where served champagne and delicious truffles. I indulged on the truffles and had a non alcoholic fruity sparkling drink of somekind! Then it was time for me to leave as I was getting tired and the ladies where going to go out and dance and drink the night away! It was really good for me to get out and see my friends. I really don't get to see many people anymore and one can go crazy being couped up all the time. I'm still following doctors orders of not standing for more than 30minutes at a time and keeping my stress level low.

As far as my health, I think we are doing good. I don't want to jinx it. But my blood pressure has never been better and my migraines seem to be under control. I still get contractions and if they get to bad I just put up my feet and call it a night. Everyone has been so incredibly helpful and understanding. It's hard for people to understand exactly what is going on. I know people are wonder if I can leave the house or cook a meal why can't I do this or that or work? Simple. My doctor has told me not to! It's not just the physical aspect that we need to watch but the stress also. Work causes stress, stress raises my blood pressure, that can cause a placental abruption again, and here comes premature baby. That being said I am winding down here and getting very anxious to have Jude, settle into our new normal, and then begin working again.

That's another thing. I've seriously thought about the whole stay at home mom gig. Take away the financial hardships from the decision and it's interesting what I've felt these past few months I've been at home. On one hand I have LOVED the time with Aaron. Spending so much time together has been just wonderful. Also the lack of stress of having your schedule revolve around work is pretty nice too. I've been available to see family a lot as well. I was able to be with Oma every single day and my grandparents, uncles, dad, mom, etc have all been out to the house numerous times. Then I think when I am physically able to do more around the house, how nice that would be to do all the little projects everyone thinks about but never does. How nice to have laundry done, dinner every night, house cleaned, etc. It would be great to be there for my children everyday. I have never ever considered staying at home before this pregnancy. Mostly because I didn't think we could ever afford me too and secondly I just loved my job. I do envy women that get to stay at home and most seem pretty happy with the decision. I wouldn't want to stay at home permanently but until the kids where in school.

Here's the other hand to the argument. I do love working. I love being a part of something bigger. I like learning, meeting new people, and being creative. I enjoy having something of my own. I am also very proud of the work I've done and how much my skills have grown. I also do better mentally when I have a job. I tend to dwell less and am less likely to fall into a funk. Overall, I enjoy being a working mom or just working in general. I like to be busy and focus on something other than my home. So taking both of my thoughts on this I think that I am better off working. Both for my mental state and the obvious financial state which has to be taken into consideration. Could we afford if I stayed home? Maybe. Would it be easier on us if I worked? Definitely. I wonder how moms make this choice and if many struggle with it. Also is the consideration that I do want my children to be exposed to other children through daycare or preschools. So much to consider....

My plan is to go back to work. I really think that is the best option for me. However, I totally admire moms that do stay at home. I do not think staying at home is the "easy" way to do it. Just the opposite. I know how much work that is as well. I'm a very social person and one of the things I miss most about working is the social interaction with my coworkers, volunteers, public, even the Wil-Kil Exterminator guy. He taught me all I need to know about the Brown Recluse Spider and how to manage the hornets nests at my house.

I haven't really done any research on the difference between kids with stay at home moms or kids with working moms. I haven't done much more than just consider my own situation. I am curious to how other moms have made this decision and if they regretted it. Or if they went back to work and wished they where home. I've also considered that it may be difficult to go back to work after being at home for a number of years. I think it helps that my job involved helping animals and people. That gives you a bit more motivation to want to return. I don't know how I would feel if I had worked in the corporate world before. If you are a mom and reading this, give me your thoughts. What you decided to do and why?