So, I haven't written in a little while and not because I haven't had much to say. If you know me, you know I always have something to say, but I just didn't set aside the time to put my thoughts down. I don't want to write a blog just to throw anything down. For me, it has to feel right. Tonight it feels like a good time.
First, I will update my pregnancy. Jude is cookin' away. He is already 5lbs and doing very well. I had an appointment with my Periontolgist at the West Allis Woman's Pavillion. His name is Dr. Mastrolia and I highly recommend him. We went over all my tests and charts and discussed our plan. So far so good! My blood pressure has been remarkably low this pregnancy. I have Chronic Hypertension and have for a few years. I have taken meds, lost weight, changed my diet, and have been tested for a whole array of diseases. The conclusion is genetics. As my primary physician put it, "You got the shallow end of the gene pool". I'm not kidding. He actually said that. So, I just have to be more careful than most other women my age. As long as everything maintains how it has been I should make it to our goal of 39wks and have a scheduled c section. I really want to get past 35 as I do not want to have my baby in the NICU again. I don't think I could bare it. My blood disorder is under control and I continue to get daily shots in my stomach to thin my blood and prevent another placental abruption. Honestly, that's what I am most afraid of happening. It was so frightening with Aaron and I don't want to go through it with Jude. So, so far all is well and we are happy to continue to take it day by day.
Another issue that has come up that I wanted to discuss is my choice to not have any more children. This is not because I don't want more children, I always thought I would have three, but because I think it's the best decision for many reasons. I plan on getting my tubes tied when I have Jude. Originally we had talked about Adam going in to get snipped but at one of my OB visits she said it would be easier to do it to me during the csection. Adam really dodged the bullet there. It was not an easy decision to make. The finality of never being able to have a baby for the rest of my life is overwhelming. To think that the chapter of my life where I have kids is over is hard to accept. But I have my reasons. Mainly, my health. I am extremely lucky that I have Aaron and even more that I got pregnant with Jude. We tried for a year for Aaron and finally had to try fertility to get pregnant. One round of Clomid and bam I was pregnant with Aaron. Since he was so difficult we didn't think we would get pregnant again so soon. I was still nursing Aaron and discovered I was pregnant again. This time it happened naturally and we where just so happy that we didn't care it wasn't planned. For us, getting pregnant was half the battle. The actual pregnancy didn't really seem like an issue at the time. Well, we where wrong. All women are different. I envy women who are pregnant and go about their daily lives and have no issues. But I try not to have a pity party because I know many women would be thrilled to be pregnant even if it meant all nine months on bed rest. That's the main reason we've decided this is our last. With the difficulties we had with Aaron and now with Jude, I just can't risk it again. This pregnancy has been especially hard and I'm not just talking about the physical parts. Emotionally it's been very difficult. My whole life has been forced into a new direction. I have had to become dependent on friends and family in ways that I wish I hadn't. People might think how great it would be to have someone come over everyday to clean your house, take care of your kid, and help you out in any way. And yes it is great and I am very grateful but it's also an ego check. As a wife and a mom you want to be able to take charge of your family and your home. When you have to share that it is humbling and difficult. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Everyone is just trying to help. And I need to be accepting as it is in the best interest for Jude, Aaron, and myself and my health. But still. I lost my job, my independence, my strength, and many things that make me who I am. I have had to redefine my role and my life. Now, I don't want to come off as "oh, woe is me, poor me". I am simply being honest about how this has affected me emotionally. Some days I feel great both physically and emotionally and other days not so much. And yes I know this is almost over, it's temporary, it'll be worth it in the end, and all of that. I am very self aware of all of this and I know how much of this sounds too. But I'm not perfect and I feel it's important to include in a blog a piece of you that is not the picture of perfection you'd like people to see. I also feel that if other women go through something similar that it's normal to feel all kinds of emotions. Hormones don't help!
Well there you have it. A very real and honest take on what else goes on during a high risk pregnancy. It's not just about the doctor appointments and physical issues. But the array of emotions you feel. For me I always deal with guilt. I just have to counteract that with rational thoughts.I think for someone like me who has been employed everyday of my life since I was 14 the loss of a job is especially difficult. Not working has been incredibly hard and painful. I can't even visit because I have so many feelings about it. I don't want to get into it too much in this blog but there will be a future blog that visits this in much more detail. I think everything has to be redefined right now. My life, my work, my family, my house, my goals, my everything. It's overwhelming. However, I do realize that I do have an opportunity to head in a new direction. Not many people get that and I am very lucky to have the support that I do. I don't think I really like change. I don't think I'm very good at it. I'm a creature of habit and comfort. Most people probably are. Anyone that can pick up a new job, hobby, or move to a new place and try something different is amazing to me. I would love to challenge myself in that way.
In the meantime I will continue to focus on my health and Jude's well being. I will continue to do everything my doctors are instructing me to do to keep this pregnancy on the right path. A very close friend said to me "There's a difference between being brave and being stupid. Don't be stupid". This is very true. I need to not push it either physically or emotionally no matter how much I want to prove myself. There will be a time for all of that again. This blog is a bit different than my others. Probably a bit deeper and maybe a little to much information but it is what it is.
My recipe for this blog is my ultimate comfort food for days like this. The classic toasted peanut butter and banana sandwich with a twist. Are you ready for it??? Add honey!!! It's the best! My husband made my favorite sammy even better when he added honey.
1. Simply toast your favorite bread
2. Liberally add peanut butter, I prefer chunky
3. Slice a banana and add
4. Squeeze a liberal amount of honey
5. Grab lots of wetnaps and a big glass of milk (I prefer soy) and enjoy.
It's amazing!!!!!!!!!!
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