Tell Me How You Really Feel..

Now that I have started a blog I wonder how to keep up with it. Do I post daily or when I have the urge? I am notorious for starting things and not following through or finishing. I might have a form of Adult ADD I think. Today instead of writing about my medical issues or technical issues with my pregnancy I thought I would write about my feelings. That's right. How I feel. Let's get right into it.

A typical day for me now is wake up and get Aaron up. Change his diaper, let him wonder around so he can wake up more, and I let out the dogs, feed the cats, and start to make Aaron breakfast. Usually around breakfast my help for the day arrives. Monday is Skinny of my mother, Tuesday is Grandma Dahlstrom, Wednesday is either my mom, my friend Caty, or my friend Jen, Thursday is Great Grandma Dahlstrom and Grandpa Dahlstrom, and Friday is Grandpa Goff. The help is tremendously appreciated as it is very hard for me to keep up with the house and with Seabass (a.k.a. Aaron) all day. I tire quickly and if I do to much I get very painful contractions and migraines. Though having someone in your house, doing your responsibilities is a little weird and takes some getting used to at first. I feel guilty, awkward, and uncomfortable at times. This is something my husband has told me to get over but is still weird.

Everyday I wake up and feel a different. Somedays I am so tired I can't bare to get out of bed but I know I have to. Other days I jump out of bed and start doing things right away with a renewed sense of purpose. However, lots of days I feel in a funk of worry, depression, and angst. I am trying to stay positive if not for me then for Jude. I also worry about feeling to sorry for myself than I get upset with myself for not being stronger. I had a very hard time when I had to leave work. To officially have my employment terminated for the time being was very very emotional. I do know it's not forever and perhaps when this is all said and Jude is here I will be able to go back. But the shelter is huge part of who I am and what I am. I am very proud of my almost 10yrs with the same organization. I LOVED my job, my coworkers, the animals, the volunteers, the supporters, all of it. I don't think anyone really realized how hard that part would be and just assume that I have to be on "bedrest" and can't work. Like I can just walk away from it and it would be no big deal. The loss of my ability to work at the shelter plagued me for days and days. I hated not being a part of it. I hated not being at events I had planned and help organize, I hated not knowing which animals where being adopted, I hated not visiting my friends at Golden Years to do the mailing, I hated not seeing my boss/friend daily to go over whatever is on our minds whether it be personal or professional, and I hated not interacting with all people I would see each day.

I feel like nobody understands how hard it was to leave. How hard it is to go back just to visit. How badly I want to be involved in any aspect! anything! But for the time being it is what it is. Just because I have to go down a different path right now and the shelter has to continue it's path doesn't mean our paths won't meet again. I just really wanted to vent this. It's def getting better but once in awhile I start thinking about it and I just get that awful feeling in my stomach that's not Jude kicking me or gas!

One of the highlights is Jasmine, my office cat, has come home to my house to retire. Not being with her and wondering how she was dealing with my absence was a huge stress on me emotionally and mentally. For those of you that don't know Jasmine might think "What the heck? It's just a cat". However, she was/is my cat. We have a special bond that is not shared with anyone else. She is "particular" in who she trusts and is basically a one person cat. Having her in my home has connected me back to a shelter and has renewed a lot of my energy. It also has proven she is not just a one person cat as she has snuggled up to my husband, son, and family.

So each day is a mixture of happiness about my pregnancy, being elated when Jude is really active, loving my time home with Aaron, worry about getting far enough in my pregnancy, anxiety about having another premature baby, stress about working again and if I'll have a job when this is all over, guilt about feeling anything other than concern for my pregnancy, guilt about a lot. I have always struggled with guilt. It really can be all consuming and cause me to stay awake for hours at night.

I guess this blog isn't anything other than an out pour of current feelings that I feel I'd like to share. That's the issue with blogs I have. Are they anything more than self indulgence or are they a theraputical way to come to term with how you are feeling? I'll have to think about that.

til next time (who knows when that will be)......