"It's Lupus isn't it? I know it's Lupus"- George Costanza

So, I haven't written a blog since January I think. That's a long stretch. I guess life has left me with little

http://www.lupusny.org

time to write blogs. Alas, this blog has meaning. It's written because I do have the time. I have the time because I lost my job. That's right. I am no longer the Executive Director for the Waterford Chamber of Commerce. I really don't want to get into details, but I will say it was not mutual and the 90 days I was there I sure did give 100%. For having no training and being thrown into several areas at once, I think I did pretty damn well getting organized and establishing my place. But I digress. So is life and now I'm back on the job hunt.

There is just one problem with the job hunt. I've been diagnosed Lupus and Fibromyalgia. I see a rheumatologist and am waiting on results for other complications that cosme with Lupus. Lupus is an autoimmune disease. I have antibodies in my blood that attack my immune system. With a weakened immune system there is a whole host of issues. Different parts of my body can be affected at any time. Right now it's more renal or in my kidneys. I'm extremely photosensitive and even ten minutes in the sun and I break out into a rash. My joints swell and ache. I also have another condition call lupus anti-coagulent syndrome. This is what started it all. My protein cells bind to my red blood cells causing clots. I'm at risk for stroke and blood clots. This is the reason I had Aaron at 31 weeks because I had a clot in my uterus and had a placental abruption. I lost a baby after that and when I was pregnant with Jude I had to give myself shots in the stomach everyday for 7 months to thin my blood. Thankfully Jude made it to term and was very healthy. I'm on a cocktail of medications that include a blood thinner so now I have to wear a medical bracelet in case I get in an accident and don't bleed to death. Morbid? Yes. But I have to get this off my chest.

Do I feel sorry for myself? Of course I do. I've had terrible medical diagnoses and lost my job in the same week. A day before a paid holiday and before approved paid vacation days. Two weeks before the biggest event, The Balloon Fest, that I spent countless hours organizing and planning. I won't even get to see the turnout. That makes me sad. Nothing like working hard on a project and not getting to see it through. There was also the Full Moon Four Miler I was in the middle of planning that happens on Aug. 3. Another event I won't get to see through that I spent hours planning. That's what upsets me the most. I cared about these events as I care about anything I work on. I cared about the community and wanted to see my hometown thrive. Aaron LOVES hot air balloons and this year the festival is on his birthday. Now we won't be there. All in all I feel hurt and betrayed. But business is business I guess. You know what they say, "it's not personal." But in this case it is. In so many ways.

We went on a short vacation right after the Fourth of July. That was wonderful. Just me and my family. Summer days are very difficult for me to function. This also sucks. My kids are so young and their mom has so many limitations.

A typical day (they are worse now, as stress causes flare-ups) is me taking about 20 min to get out of bed if my Lupus is acting up. Once I'm up, I'm slow but I function. I take care of the dogs, feed the kids, get them ready, get myself ready and out we go. Well, now we don't go anywhere. Once I'm at work or wherever and up and moving I do ok. I can function well and would typically work at least 9 hours a day. All my doctors advise against stress. Easier said then done. I need to make money. It's very difficult to have just one parent working. We could survive, but not the lifestyle I prefer. Plus I enjoy contributing financially. What kind of job can I get that pays well? Ideally would be a full time telecommuting job. I'm seriously considering becoming a L'Bri consultant. I could freelance for the paper. I still have pet sitting. But still, none of that comes close to what i need to make.

So, I'm stuck at a crossroads. I will continue on my schooling, but getting a traditional job is going to be extremely difficult. Budgeting will be tricky. But we will get through it. Sorry this blog is such a self-loathing pity party, but I had to get it down. Also, I'm looking for leads for jobs. Let me know if you know of anything. thanks for reading. Pity Party now ending.

Will we just become desensitized to everything?

"In psychology, desensitization (also called inurement) is defined as the diminished emotional responsiveness to a negative or aversive stimulus after repeated exposure to it."

Wikipedia

How many parents watched the Sandy Hook coverage and just felt utterly sick to their stomachs? How many Americans shook their heads, wiped their tears and thought, "Not again." I wonder how many watched the coverage as closely as they did with 9/11 or Columbine (which hits especially close to home for the Dahlstroms) or tried to avoid it as much as possible? How many parents thought "how am I going to explain this to my children?" How many teachers started to seriously reconsider their career choices? When exactly did gun control get thrown in? Why was the fact the shooter was autistic have anything to do with why he did this? Do we need to study mental illness closer? What about the drugs that are prescribed to treat mental illness? What causes such violence? Could it really be video games?

Those were questions I've been thinking about. As the one month anniversary has already passed (I can't believe its been a month) it seems the tragedy is still very fresh in the minds of many. These questions are enough to make a person go mad. I nearly did. I did something I rarely ever do especially as a reporter. I tuned out. I turned it off. I clicked on a different webpage. I really tried to distance myself from anything Sandy Hook. But it didn't go away. The fact is I just couldn't grasp what the people of Newtown and the parents of the children were going through. Anytime I caught a glimpse of one of those precious child's face it was like I was sucker punched in the gut. I've never even been sucker punched in the gut but I imagine the feeling is similar. I didn't talk to many people about it besides the occasional, "It's terrible," "I feel so bad for the families." and "How could this happen" if I found myself in a conversation that turned to Sandy Hook. I didn't post or comment much on Facebook. For all that know me, I'm what you would call a "heavy facebook user." But this time. This time was different. I considered that maybe it was because I have two children but I realized what it actually was. I'm becoming desensitized to sensational news. Not the tragedy or horror of the incident but the reporting of it.

We are now able to watch things unfold in real time via social networking like twitter and all the news channels are like a pack of hungry wolves tearing away at the flesh of the information hoping for an actual bite. I have no actual numbers but I'd be interested to know how much of the first released information gets redacted because it was incorrect. Two big ones. Mom was a kindergarten teacher. Nope. Also the media released a name of the shooter with no actual evidence it was correct. It wasn't. Imagine you are at work and all over national and maybe world news you are being accused of shooting children. How do you recover from that? It's the saturation that is wearing at me. When 9/11 happened I could not tear myself away. The only other time I remember being glued to the tv like that was the OJ Simpson Bronco chase.

It has become obvious to me that the amount of coverage these tragedies are getting are probably counterproductive to preventing them. There's all this talk about gun control, better security and better mental illness awareness in the aftermath of the shootings. But the days immediately following we are forced to see the shooter's face on the tv or footage is released from security cameras. People are asking why they haven't released the security footage at Sandy Hook? Why people?! Why do we need to see a very disturbed young man shooting children? What does that do? Remember Virginia Tech? We had to watch that kid's death video with him ranting about what he did. The tape wasn't in the hands of the network for more than 10 seconds before they slapped it on the air. Did that shed any light on the incident or help with anyone's healing? Doubtful. Just opened up already bleeding wounds. Is there any reason this is happening? Is it infamy? These shooters are such cowards that they do these horrific things and then kill themselves (well most do, some stick it out). Knowing people will know who they are even if they are dead seems to be good enough. I'm sorry but that is a f'ed up way of thinking and wanting attention. One thing we never get to know is why they did it. Why did they have to take so many innocent lives with them?

On the other hand, if we don't give enough attention to these shootings are we being insensitive? Our society has created a monster which we continue to feed because we don't know what else to do. We've gotten so used to getting all the information instantly, could we wait for actual facts? This is still a time for grieving for many. This is also a time to open up communication with your children to tell them that there are people who do bad things but they are many people who do good things and those are the things worth living for.

There's another kind of desensitizing going on that isn't related to over saturation of information. It's the conspiracy theorists. Now, I think it's good to question things and never to take anything at face value, but for Pete's sake, Sandy Hook being a huge government hoax??!! I might question the assassination of JFK, I have questions about 9/11 too and yes,I think Roswell probably happened but this? Hiring Crisis Actors to go on national tv to claim their pretend child was killed? That doesn't even make sense. This is going to far for me. It's irresponsible and dangerous. I read that the parents of one of the victims have to move because they can see the shooter's house from their own. I refuse to use his name. Imagine driving home and seeing the house the person who shot your child every. single. day. Then having your very identity questioned and the existence of your child? It makes me want to puke. Or the poor mother who had to identify her son whose jaw was blown off, then finding out there's a whole bunch of assholes saying it didn't happen. And people are questioning things like what gun was used or when a facebook page was made? WHO GIVES A SHIT? That's a desensitization I hope never happens to me. When people lose empathy they lose the ability to comfort as well. And right now we all need some comfort.

For anyone wanting more information on the stupidest video ever made and all the other Sandy Hook rumors visit this reputable site:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/guns/newtown.asp