Dear Gia

I have been going back and forth about writing a blog about my dog, Gia, who I had to put to sleep yesterday. I just can't seem to organize my emotions and grief. And just let me say right now to anyone who is readying those thinking "It's just a dog. It's not like you lost a family member" stop reading. People who don't have pets will never understand. Of course I would be grieving if I lost a person I love. But losing a pet you had for 13 years is no picnic. Everyone grieves their own way. I haven't had to grieve in a very long time. I have been hit with a whirlwind of emotions. All the symptoms of grief. Sadness, Denial, Anger, Guilt, and trust me I'm working on acceptance.

This dog was a major part of my life. Before I ever even had an inkling of getting married and starting a family I had Gia. She was with me and by my side for all the big moments in my life. Both happy moments and sad moments. And sometimes even my darkest moments.

I think people might think because I worked with animals for so long that I would be used to this or more accepting. It's actually the opposite. You know what an animal has to offer and how they can affect the lives around them. How they can be theraputic and scientifically proven to improve your health. Trust me, just because I worked with animals and had to say good bye to some of them, it's nothing compared to losing your own. You have that feeling in your stomach that you could puke. You start thinking of times with your friend and try to force yourself to think of anything else. You almost want to just forget. Because at least it wouldn't hurt.

I've been reading on many different sites how to handle the loss of a pet. Since I like to write I figured I'd blog. Not really for others. I really don't care if anyone reads this. This is for me and a theraputic way for me to get out how I feel. If anyone judges me I don't care. A friend told me to do what I need to do and what makes me feel better. That is my plan and I don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks about it. That's all i'm going to say about that.

It's funny because I can still feel her laying next to me, I can still feel her fur which was always so soft, I can still hear her murmurs when she got locked in Aaron's room, I can smell her doggy breath when she would try to lick my face. The point being is she is still all around me. I know that will fade and I will become use to being someone who only has one dog but I feel it would be disloyal to just try to suck it up and move on. Gia would never hurt a soul. Actually she was against violence of any kind. She hated when people fought even if it was just pretend. No matter who it was if someone tried to hit another person she would growl, bark and put herself in between the people every time. Always the peacemaker. One thing I read is to write a letter to the one you lost. I liked this so I decided to write Gia a letter.


Dear Gia,

Did you know how much I loved you? Did you know how much you meant to me? Do you know how badly I miss you. Do you know that my heart is broken and a piece of me died with you?Do you know that letting you go was the hardest decision I've ever had to make? Do you know how much Dad, Aaron, and Jude loved you? Do you know how lost Lambeau is without his best friend? Do you know how much he misses you?

I asked these questions to reassure you you were never taken for granted. You know you are and will always be my princess. From the moment you first stayed with me and slept in my room, I knew you would be my dog. It was a common kinship and we both were committed for the long haul. I think you always knew I would always take care of you. You needed me to save you at that moment and in return you saved me in ways I can never express. I felt I didn't have a friend or another being in the world that cared for me unconditionally. Then I had you. You did love me unconditionally. You accepted me and never judged me. I was your mom and you would forever follow by side and show how fiercely loyal you were.

I never thought twice about how I felt about my little girl and how I would talk about you. I never thought twice about bringing you every where I could because I felt you would enjoy being out with me. What I didn't realize is how much everyone else would love you. Every person you met you left an impact on. Every one misses you. Every one loved you. You where more than just my dog. You where my friend, my companion, and the greatest little thing to come to my life when I needed it the most.. I hurt more than I can describe. The pain is intense but I know it's nothing compared to the pain you were in. To see you suffer made my heart ache and I couldn't let you go on like that. I knew you would trust me to do the right thing by you. I knew you would know how much I love you. I never expected this to be so hard and painful. I knew it would hurt but I was unprepared for the amount of grief that has fallen on me. I feel like this can't be real, Gia. You can't be gone. You just can't leave me yet. I'm not ready to say goodbye even though I had to. I was not ready to lose you.

I don't know how long this is going to hurt so very much but my life will never be the same. You changed me forever. You taught me unconditional love. You showed me loyalty. You gave me stability. You shared my sorrow and my happiness. You accepted that I had another love in my life and you loved him too. You took it in stride when we brought Lambeau home. Then all the fosters and eventually the cats. You still were the Gia I loved. When I had children you accepted them as your own. You never left my side when I was on bedrest. You would wait for me outside the bathroom. You waited all day by the window for me to come home. Seeing you every day will be memories I'll always have.

The memories I have with you are more than I can count but I will do my best to remember them. You were not "just a dog". You were my friend. My best friend. You were my Princess and I love and miss you so very much. Please rest in peace my little heartbeat at my feet.

Much love forever,

Your Mom